I just cannot find the right words to define myself lately, today and maybe tomorrow. I fight challenges but it teaches me to be weak. I speak a lot of words but no one understands. I go to peaceful place to think but there is WAR - silence against silence, thoughts against thoughts. I follow my heart, but it keeps on bleeding. I accept love but it annoys my mind, my brain, my memory. Love teaches me not to love but instead how to hate. I fuck.I fuck.but still, I just can't find what I really want. I work hard but not efficient anymore.Am I insane? Am I in the right track? Am I "me"?Who am I?
This is definitely not "me". Every word that comes from my mouth doesn't speak the real me. Every smile I shared to a friend doesn't spill any joy. I perform to be more ineffective. I just went back to GOD, but I failed to obey. Now, I am in the uncertainty. Where is lance? Where are you Albert? Where are you now Jun? Where am I now? Am I happy? Do I have to stay here? If I leave, would it help to mend me? If I leave, doesn't it hurt? If I leave, where will I go? God? I am with now. Is he with me? I JUST CAN'T FIND THE WORDS!
Messages from my heart: I had a hard time to figure out the feelings and thoughts that are fighting in silence within me. Finally, it is my very heart which tells the chaotic world inside me. My heart says, I am just ALONE even if I live with lots of "beings". Alone? Where is my mother? (she is in abroad)Father? Out of coverage area (working in mining). Sisters? 1 is out in Davao, the other one is stupid (bar hopping instead of job hunting) In short, I live all alone. What I mean is though I have a healthy friends and a healthy personality in front of them (as if Iron Man) the real is score is I am afraid to be alone. Money? Yes I need it but it cannot buy weapon to stop the war in silence in the core of my being. Girlfriend? I made my self selfish regarding with this. I easily get jealous and think of many negative things which make the small LQ bigger. I just don't know. The half part of my heart says I am in love but the other one says you are not. The left says I have to be thankful because someone is with me but the right part reminds me always about the reality. Love and be hurt. You hurt and don't be loved. With this kind of confusion, it causes me stress. Most probably because I am alone. I am afraid to fail because I had overcome many challenges. I don't want to see my self as a loser or being imprisoned with such emotion! Anyway, are you a psychologist or psychiatrist? Give me an advice what is happening to me.Plssss I can't take this war in silence in the core of my being!
